Haiku Death Match
Haiku Death Match
| Reggie: | Well folks, this is it! The match you’ve been waiting for. In the literary world this would be Joyce Carol Oates vs. Danielle Steel or Stephen King vs. Tom Clancy. In sports this would be Clemens vs. Bonds, or Venus vs. Henin. We’re talking the two biggest heavyweights in the world of English language Haiku squaring off face to face, mano-a-mano, in verbal hand to hand combat to determine this year’s supreme champion of the International Haiku Death Match Competition. Hi, I’m Reggie Blyth along with my live-in companion and today’s color commentator Gary Snyder, live from the beautiful Mirage Hotel in Las Vegas, Nevada, hosts to this year’s event, where we’ve gone through six weeks of grueling competition to get to this final point of the last two poets standing. |
| Gary: | That’s right Reggie, this has been an incredible six weeks. By the way, I love that tie you’re wearing, is that the one I picked out this morning? |
| Reggie: | Yes Gary, we started out with over 3,000 contestants who squared off against each other in these face to face death matches. |
| Gary: | Right. And we’ve watched some grueling contests, heard some incredible poetry flung back and forth in their faces. Sometimes the verbosity has been phenomenal and other times we’ve all flinched together at horrible syntax or nuanced faux-pas. We’ve seen the thrill of victory and the agony of a dangling participle. The competition has been fierce and many an ego has been crushed, spindled, and mutilated. And here we are at the final round with the last two contestants left standing, and me so clammy from all the excitement, that I just know my Axe spray deodorant is on its last legs. Do I smell OK? |
| Reggie: | And what a pair of final contestants we have Gary. From Austin, Texas, champion for six years running, the incontrovertible Yuri “Issa No Contest” Goldstein. And challenging him, last year’s runner up in a controversial photo finish, from Seattle, Washington, Arnold “Shiki My Ass” Busonowitz. |
| Gary: | Busonowitz vs. Goldstein. It doesn’t get any better than this. This is like Basho vs. Issa, like Letterman vs. Leno, like Hillary vs. Obama, like Oprah vs. any lying author, like- |
| Reggie: | And here they come now, Gary! Just hear that crowd roar! |
| Gary: | They both look resplendent! Arnold is dressed in a Junya Watanabe designer outfit that reminds me of a samurai warrior out on the town taking in a Kabuki show with a Geisha hanging onto his arm. And Yuri went with something more basic, Levi blue jeans and a T-shirt that says, ‘Haikus are easy. But…’ something or other, can’t make it out from here, and ‘Refrigerator.’ Must be a sponsor. |
| Reggie: | Reggie, I understand that scalpers are getting up to $10 dollars per ticket for this match. And considering entry to the contest is free, that’s quite a few one armed bandit pulls you’d have to put out to see this fight. |
| Gary: | If it’s free, why pay ten dollars? |
| Reggie: | And now the judges are being introduced, and the referees are explaining the ground rules to the two contestants. |
| Gary: | Why bother? You’d think they’d know the rules by now. |
| Reggie: | Well for our viewer audience, let’s go over them one more time. |
| Gary: | Do we have to? It’s almost as bad as listening to the safety instructions on an airline flight. This is your oxygen mask, blah blah blah. Is there anyone left in the world who doesn’t know how to buckle a seat belt? |
| Reggie: | Haiku are short one breath poems, typically 17 syllables or less. They have two parts to them, a pause between the two, and are written as observations of nature. There are some traditionalists who insist on three lines of five, seven, and five syllables, these are know as the 575’ers, but they rarely make it to the finals since they often have to pad their haiku with contrived extra words which eat up valuable time and space. And in these death matches, there is just no room for padding. You have to be a mean, lean, haiku machine! |
| Gary: | Just once I’d really like to see the oxygen mask drop down. You know, not for the flight to crash and burn, but just for a little excitement. |
| Reggie: | Haiku also should include a kigo or season word, but the senryu form that incorporates human emotion or humor is acceptable, and that actually is the most common type used in these competitions. In fact, senryu are to haiku like limericks are to sonnets, but haiku never rhyme. |
| Gary: | Anybody can find the exits simply by following all the other hysterically screaming passengers. |
| Reggie: | The haiku should never be a single run-on sentence; it should be in the present tense, no gerunds, should use concrete images, and many more subtle conventions that we’ll mention throughout this match as they come up. |
| Gary: | I can smoke a cigarette in the bathroom without disabling the smoke detector. I just inhale everything and don’t exhale. Works every time. |
| Reggie: | Gary, what the heck are you babbling about? Has the excitement gotten to you? Folks, I think my sidekick here has been inhaling a little too much of this electric atmosphere. You can tell we’re all excited. |
| Gary: | We should go on a trip after this. I’ve always wanted to see Alcatraz island. It’s in San Francisco Bay |
| Reggie: | A trip? Sure. Well, we hope you’re as excited as we are here at the Poetry Channel and we’ll return after this short trip to a commercial message. |
| Mac: | Hello, I’m a Mac |
| PC: | And I’m a PC |
| Mac: | Oh, hey… iTouch, nice. |
| PC: | Yeah, just a little something to hold my poetry jam vids |
| Mac: | Oh ya? |
| PC: | And it works so seamlessly with iTunes, so i can download songs I wrote the lyrics to |
| Mac: | You write lyrics? Impressive. You should check out iPoet, iScreenplay, and iNovel cause they all work like iTunes. You know, iLife. It comes on every Mac |
| PC: | i-L-i-f-e. Well, I – I have some very cool apps that are bundled with me |
| Mac: | Yeah? Well, like what? |
| PC: | Notepad |
| Mac: | That’s cool, anything else? |
| PC: | Solitaire. For when I have writer’s block |
| Mac: | Sounds like hours of fun… (or at least minutes) |
| Reggie: | Hello folks, Reggie Blyth and Gary Snyder back with you here at the Las Vegas Mirage Casino for this year’s International Haiku Death Match Competition. The referees have finished the pre-match instructions and the contestants are back in their poetry corners for last second warm-ups before the match. |
| Gary: | You didn’t have to yell at me during the break. It just invalidates everything you said to me last night. You know, it’s all about trust. |
| Reggie: | Gary, please, focus! So folks, down on the floor is our own Jane Reichold. What do you have for us Jane? |
| Jane: | Well Reggie, I just spoke to challenger Arnold Busonowitz, and he says he’s feeling it and he’s totally confident. He says he’s at the top of his game, and after his thrilling victory in the semi-finals with of all things a haiku about sheep in the shower, he thinks breaking Goldstein’s lucky number seven is a sure bet. The odds-makers here in Vegas have him as a 7-5 favorite. |
| Jane: | Well, I didn’t get much out of Yuri Goldstein, other than him reminding me it’s pronounced gold-steen, not gold-stine. He’s in a zone right now, chanting ‘forsythia, forsythia, forsythia” so there’s not much information I can glean here at game time. But I did interview him earlier, and here’s a clip from that interview. |
| Jane: | Wow Arnold, that was great. I’ve never had such an intense orgasm in my life. |
| Arnold: | Anytime, anytime. You’re pretty good with your mouth as well. |
| Jane: | Well, hanging around with Reggie, all he ever wants me to use is my mouth. But you are a mouthful Arnold. |
| Arnold: | Yes Jane, it’s common knowledge that you can grow three extra inches writing a haiku a day. |
| Jane: | That was the wrong interview. I’m going to kill Donald. |
| Reggie: | Thanks Jane. That’s Donald Southbey our technical director in the booth Jane’s referring to. He’s doing a great job but minor technical difficulties do happen. So, we’re about to have the competition start here on the Poetry Channel, and what a match it will be. |
| Gary: | What the hell is she talking about hanging around with Reggie, using her mouth! Reggie, for Christ sakes, she’s a woman! You pig! |
| Reggie: | Uh, back to you Jane. Jane? |
| Jane: | Hello folks, this is Jane Reichold again and we’re having technical difficulties up in the booth, so let me just fill you in on what the winner will receive. The winner of the International Haiku Death Match Competition gets a gift certificate for $500 to lulu.com to self-publish their own book and buy copies to give out to their friends. The winner also receives the heralded International Haiku Death Match Competition ankle bracelet, and a copy of this years Poetry Digest Marketplace. And of course if they want, they can meet with the Vice President, who’s a big haiku fan, for a photo opportunity, provided they can pass the background check. |
| Reggie: | Hello folks, I’m back now with Daniel, our second crew cameraman, who will be standing in for Gary who seems to have just lost his voice. Hello Daniel and welcome to the show. |
| Daniel: | Hi. |
| Reggie: | So Daniel, do you know how these competitions work? |
| Daniel: | Uh, not really. I usually do the crowd reaction shots. |
| Reggie: | Well, it’s simple enough even you can understand it. The two contestants first bow to each other, the judges, the referee, and then each other again. They throw salt to ward off the evil spirits of mental block, and then use the traditional rock, paper, scissors to determine who goes first. This is critical since whoever goes second wins 97% of these contests. It’s quite a treat watching them try to lose. |
| Daniel: | Oh, that’s cool. |
| Reggie: | Once the order is determined, each contestant recites a haiku they made up on their own. Each one gets 60 seconds, and then an additional 17 seconds for the presentation. |
| Daniel: | Oh cool, they’re playing against the clock. |
| Reggie: | Yes, you could say that. The two judges score the haiku on a scale of 1 to 10, and they deduct points for any violation of the rules, incomplete haiku, premature exposition, a gaffe, stuttering, spitting, and any other loud or rude behavior. |
| Daniel: | I spit when I talk sometimes. |
| Reggie: | The strategy is to recite a haiku that will rattle the other contestant. Likewise, in the response, it should take into account the haiku they’re responding to. |
| Daniel: | Uh, OK. |
| Reggie: | When a contestant accumulates a 20 point lead or more, he’s declared the winner. But the score seesaws back and forth and it can take a long time to determine a winner. Sometimes it’s simple fatigue that does a contestant in. |
| Daniel: | I’m getting tired just listening to you. |
| Reggie: | Right you are Daniel. And I think they’re about to start the competition. |
| Referee: | Ladies and gentleman, we are now in the final round of the International Haiku Death Match Competition. We will now determine the order of competition. Gentlemen please approach and prepare to rock the paper scissors. On my mark, get set, ready, go! Paper and paper. We have a tie. Let’s try again. On my mark, get set, ready, go! Paper and paper. We have a tie. Let’s try again. On my mark, get set, ready, go! Paper and paper. We have a tie. Let’s try again. On my mark, get set, ready, go! Paper and paper. We have a tie. Let’s try again. On my mark, get set, ready, go!Sigh… paper and paper. We still have a tie. Let’s try again. On my mark, get set, ready, go! Paper and paper. We have a tie. Let’s try again. On my mark, get set, ready, go! Paper and paper. We have a tie. Let’s try again. On my mark, get set, ready, go! Paper and paper. We have a tie. Let’s try again. On my mark, get set, hold it a sec, I have an itch. OK, ready, go! Paper and paper. We have a tie. Let’s try again. On my mark, get set, ready, go! Paper and paper. We have a tie. Let’s try again. On my mark, get set, ready, go! Paper and paper. We have a tie. Let’s try again. On my mark, get set, ready, go! Paper and paper. We have a tie. Let’s try again. On my mark, get set, ready, go! Rock and rock. Well that was different. OK, let’s try again. On my mark, get set, ready, go! rock and scissors. Rock wins! Mr. Goldstein, you go first.” |
| Reggie: | Wow, that was intense. Goldstein blinked and he’s cursing up a storm. You can tell he did not want to go first. He better be careful, he could get penalized 5 points for violating the Terms of the Contest rules which do not allow for profanity outside of a haiku. |
| Daniel: | Wow, this is fu(bleep)ing awesome. |
| Reggie: | OK, Goldstein prepares, let’s listen in… |
| Goldstein: | Yo Yo Ma’s mama – did she sing lullaby’s in b flat minor? |
| Daniel: | Huh? |
| Reggie: | Eight points awarded by the judges. Great start out of the gate. But Busonowitz is wasting no time. He’s ready with a comeback. |
| Announcer: | Goldstein 8 Busonowitz 0 |
| Busonowitz: | lullaby’s at night the frogs and the wind chimes are discordant |
| Reggie: | Ooh, weak response. Yes, he only got 4 points, and that was a generous 4. Goldstein leads by 4. |
| Daniel: | That didn’t make sense, did it? |
| Gary: | OK, I’ve composed myself, I’m back. Get out of here Daniel. I can take it from here. |
| Reggie: | Great to have you back Gary. Your commentary has been missed. |
| Gary: | We’ll talk later. And what’s with Busonowitz? Frogs and wind chimes? That’s such a safety. He’s not showing the aggressiveness that got him this far. |
| Reggie: | Ah, there’s the old Gary. OK, looks like Goldstein is ready. |
| Announcer: | Goldstein 8 Busonowitz 4 |
| Goldstein: | discordant haiku – i bow before the master, i am unworthy |
| Reggie: | Oh, what a shot. 8 points again! |
| Gary: | That was almost a low blow. He better watch out for a witty retort. |
| Announcer: | Goldstein 16 Busonowitz 4 |
| Busonowitz: | unworthy master six years running and boring – new poet in town |
| Reggie: | Ha HA! Right for the jugular. The judges award 9 points, Goldstein up by 3. |
| Gary: | Not much kigo yet, they’re going with safe material so far. |
| Announcer: | Goldstein 16 Busonowitz 13 |
| Goldstein: | blazing sunset – thank-you for providing the crash and burn |
| Reggie: | Wow, that’s different, techno kigo? I wonder how the judges will respond. |
| Gary: | Only 3 points! His trendy effort has backfired. I liked it, but I guess the judges are more traditional. |
| Announcer: | Goldstein 19 Busonowitz 13 |
| Busonowitz: | fool on the hill – with sunset doesn’t know to come in from the dark |
| Reggie: | What do you think Gary? |
| Gary: | That was very dark, and if my toe tapping is correct, used the max 17 syllables. Not exactly one breath in my opinion. Oh my god, 8 points, I guess the judges liked it! |
| Reggie: | And Busonowitz takes the lead! Could we be smelling an upset? |
| Gary: | Goldstein is taking his time, he’s rattled. |
| Announcer: | Goldstein 19 Busonowitz 21 |
| Goldstein: | cool summer morning fog rolls in, obliterates… uh… |
| Reggie: | Wowsers! Goldstein has stumbled. An unfinished haiku and he’s going to lose points! |
| Gary: | That’s what he gets for using big words. ‘Obliterates,’ bad move. |
| Reggie: | A minus 4. That was bad. Busonowitz has to smell blood. |
| Announcer: | Goldstein 15 Busonowitz 21 |
| Busonowitz: | jack and jill and silly Gold-stine – they can’t get it up |
| Goldstein: | That’s Gold-steen! |
| Reggie: | What has Goldstein done? He can’t reply in non-haiku form. |
| Gary: | He just realized what he’s done and he’s arguing with the referees. But there’s no excuse. Busonowitz gets 3 points for his haiku, but Goldstein gets a minus 10! |
| Reggie: | And it’s Busonowitz’ turn. Barring total disaster, this could be it! |
| Jane: | Reggie this is Jane. I’m standing near the judges table and Goldstein is emphatically arguing his point that he was simply correcting Busonowitz’ mispronunciation of his name. But the judges are stone faced. The rules clearly state that the only thing that can come out of their mouths are haiku. |
| Gary: | I can think of something else that better stay out of your mouth. |
| Jane: | Back to you Reggie. |
| Gary: | Bitch. |
| Reggie: | Right, well now it’s Busonowitz’ turn to bury the dagger. |
| Announcer: | Goldstein 5 Busonowitz 24 |
| Busonowitz: | like frog near a pond the competition goes plop – refrigerator! |
| Gary: | Huh? What the heck kind of a third line was that? |
| Reggie: | He could have won it, but he uttered the strangest haiku I’ve ever heard. |
| Gary: | All he needed was one point. The first two lines weren’t bad… maybe… |
| Reggie: | He did it! He only got one point but it was enough! Busonowitz wins with a refrigerator! |
| Gary: | Incredible, and he went first! Busonowitz is dancing and hugging everyone as he accepts his ankle bracelet! I am so happy for him, I could even kiss and forgive you Reggie. |
| Reggie: | Well, that’s it folks. Another incredible ending as we crown this year’s International Haiku Death Match Competition Champion. Until next time, this is Reggie Blyth with Gary Snyder and Jane Reichold, oh and with Daniel on camera, wishing you a wonderful good night. |
Isle of Misfits and Trolls Lament
(I hang out a bit on Craigslist, and they have a feature where posts that violate the forums Terms of Use (TOU) can be flagged by the community of users and removed. But rather than actually delete them, the posts are relocated to a special discard forum known as “The Isle of Misfits.” As you can imagine, some of the worst postings imaginable can be found there. Below is a poem I wrote after I had visited the Isle looking for some posts that had been deleted.
Isle of Misfits and Trolls Lament 01/03/2008
huh? what-the-fuck? how did my post end up here?
obama was winning,
kucinich was grinning,
yes, from ear to pointy ear
i was flaming the pol forum like a huckabee volunteer
my grey handles mocking
there was nothing in your xmas stocking
i was a troll clearly without peer!
my post was the best one this year!
gay bashining,
talk trashing,
-150 proved everyone found it quite dear!
now some lame asses have flagged it, it’s clear
you know what i say to flagging?
it’s done by lamers with tits dragging
the TOU is for people who drink near beer!
but at least there’s one thing to cheer
the long thread that was forming
of green handles quite charming
i’ve dragged you all to hell in one smear!
so this is how i start off the new year
my posts disappearing
to the isle’s lonely clearing
my zingers took a really bad veer
who else will i find in this sphere?
hmmm…
YOU ARE A FAIRY § < fun_gal > 01/03/08 19:31
maybe CUZ THE NAZIS killed millions of < cryptozoological > 01/03/08 19:40
Obama should not be in the “White” house § < – > 01/03/08 18:40
your full of crap § < call_911 > 01/03/08 19:42
I just can’t shut-up because I’m § < MouthDiarReaper > 01/03/08 16:42
i need sex all the time < canotleavewithoutit > 01/02/08 14:44
Who’s the hot blond chick behind Huckabee? § < I_Love_Liberals > 01/03/08 19:45
Flagged for putting that image in my head. § < Irony_Guy_Returns > 01/03/08 19:51
Iowa caucus system is retarded < I_Love_Liberals > 01/03/08 17:30
Free ipod nano < freenanogirl > 01/03/08 11:40
You couldn’t outrun a turtle. < LlSTDUMP > 01/03/08 20:51
Suppliment your income the easy way < jaykit > 01/03/08 20:28
I think all women should just becoem lesbians so < us-men-wouldnt > 01/03/08 19:48
hey, i’ve got good company i fear!
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